Inspiring Mother Series : Alex Bonnesen

Alex, model and mom to Oscar, opens up about her experience becoming a mom. She shares the team she built through her pregnancy and postpartum, her favorite products, how she takes care of herself, as well as the unexpected medical course and journey she’s been on with her son, Oscar. Her strength and resilience, experience of grief and joy (sometimes all together at once), as well as her steadfast hope, inspires us and reminds us to ‘delight in the smallest moments of light.’

Alex and Oscar wear sister katie sets in navy and green.

What was your support system like when growing your family? How did you build your team?

My support system for all stages of pre/during/post pregnancy was a mixture of my husband, local friends who had previously had babies/ were having babies at the same time as me, childhood friends and my family. I’m fortunate to be really close to my older sisters, one of whom has three kids. Another was pregnant at the same time as me, due three months earlier. She was an incredible resource with a fresh experience of what I was going through and could anticipate moving forward. Some of my closest local girlfriends who previously had babies were helpful advising me on their OBGYN practice and resources for body work.

On my pregnancy journey I had an OBGYN throughout, chiropractor and doula on board for the last couple months of pregnancy with the understanding of labor/delivery and postnatal follow up. I’m grateful that my pregnancy journey was really typical and smooth.

For my minor aches and pains I would get chiropractic adjustments, mostly to relieve lower back and hip pain in the last 6 weeks of pregnancy. It felt really productive and encouraging to move my body, strengthen breath work, and generally stretch too. I would do prenatal yoga once a week and prenatal pilates at least once a week, all the way up until the week before I went into labor.

Leading into the final weeks of the due date, my husband and I met with our doula to brainstorm the best possible birthing scenario for my desires and options should events lead to quick time decision making. This meeting along with my studying of Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth felt really empowering and important in trusting my body and my needs for baby.

One of the most helpful practitioners on my team was my doula. I felt completely supported by her guidance and knowledge and I know that eased my husband as well when it was the height of labor.

Postnatal support was still primarily sourced from my womxn community of sisters, girlfriends, and a “summer babies of 2017” mom group. I highly recommend looking into a mom group. They usually offer a mix of practical and emotional support, which we could all use. It is also the encouragement and accountability to leave your home and socialize/vent with mothers (sometimes partners to the mothers) at the exact same stage. Although our motherhood journeys are uniquely our own, there is a shared sensibility and unity that blossoms internally and collectively. 

Doula: Samantha Knopf 

Chiropractor: Dr. Mike Fenster 

Prenatal Pilates: East River Pilates 

What has been the biggest struggle (or fear) for you on this journey? How are you working through it? 

My natural baseline is, compassionately, easy going, optimistic and joy filled. When I was pregnant, I was mostly able to maintain that foundation and capacity to trust my developing and growing body. I had trickling fear about labor lasting for an unbearably long amount of time and lots of interventions needing to be used, unexpectedly. My hope was to have a natural birth, safety and health permitting. 

As a model, my profession is based on body image and superficially I had a fear of how my body would settle postpartum. That fear dissipated (for the most part) once I gave birth and experienced the depths of how incredible my body is and its capacity to grow life. I still sway between pulling out my stretchy, stomach skin; turning sideways to evaluate my pancake breast in judgment; and marveling at the power and story behind those same physical changes.

Now my biggest struggle is one I never imagined. My son experienced an abrupt onset of a virus that manifested in his spine overnight, causing a sudden paralysis to his body. As a mother, if your child is aching, ill, or hurt, you are integrated into that journey too. Your heart is outside of your body.

Living through the unimaginable heartache and forcefully embarking on this medical course has brought continual struggle and fear. Those emotions are met with boundless gratitude and joy, too. This is where my essence and foundation rise up; of wanting to hold onto hope and trust in steadfast love and patient healing. It’s an ever cycling process of my own grief and trauma that I work through with EMDR therapy (for trauma), talk therapy, exercise, and emotionally intelligent family and friends who are willing and beyond wonderful. 

Do you have any daily tips or secrets that make the work/life/family juggle just a little bit more manageable? 

I feel like this question is the ultimate question as we navigate our way through, likely, being home based with Covid. Our little family lives in a less than 800 sq ft apartment. I don’t work traditional days, my husband is the primary caretaker parent, and we have a nurse that works a couple days a week during the day, mixed with nighttime nurse coverage.

Our space can feel really cramped physically and intense with everyone’s emotional needs. We have established an alternating bedtime, morning parent, allowing a night routine off and morning routine off for each parent. That was a super move and I highly recommend it. I recognize we have one child, allowing for the division to occur.

Carving out space to recharge and reset is crucial for myself and husband. We add in that time to our shared calendar allowing expectations and planning to happen accordingly.

What is something (or someone) you found indispensable during your pregnancy or postpartum period?

Something I found indispensable during pregnancy was panty liners, especially towards the end of pregnancy. If not, I would have to change my underwear part way through the day. A reusable water bottle was necessary, as I was incredibly thirsty towards the end of pregnancy and postpartum. For initial postpartum weeks, I used a belly band, which felt like it supported my core completely as I healed.

What is/was your favorite thing to wear during pregnancy/postpartum?

My favorite thing to wear, both pregnant and postpartum, hands down, were the Lululemon ‘Align pants.’ The coziest leggings without any pressure along the seamlines. Although, I was due at the end of August, in New York, so towards the end I really just wanted to be naked. I ended up wearing flowy dresses to allow for the breeze to refresh my swollen body as much as possible. Postpartum, my style gravitated towards anything with buttons, as I breastfed my baby and loved the ease of undoing a couple buttons to feed. 

What is your self-care ritual (including any favorite products!) that you preserve for yourself?

Self care I preserve for myself includes all the lotions and potions. I try my best to set an intention each morning as I take meditative breaths before getting out of bed. That ritual feels like a minimum time commitment but holds a major impact on how the rest of my day unfolds. Allowing myself the space to get at least a few hot sips of earl grey tea in while it’s hot feels critical, too. My tea ends up being cold in the end but if I can savor at least 5 hot sips, it makes a world of difference. Either that or a transfer into my traveler to ensure the heat. Moving my body has always contributed to my mental health, bringing clarity and grounding myself. I didn’t realize how much it contributed to my internal peace. I’m currently looking into a therapist, which I thoroughly encourage being part of anyone’s self care routine. In my search, I was able to find many that have a sliding scale to allow for diversity of clients. 

If I am in need of some restorative, solo time, I will have a bath, leaning into accepting it, even in the middle of the day. Previously, I would reserve that time for the evenings, but I am learning to hold some extra grace and acknowledge how that reset feels. Add in a hair and face mask, and we are in full spa mode. 

Skincare: Verso retinol 8 series, Tata Harper products, mostly face masks, Henne lip mask, Honest Beauty detox charcoal face mask, Nala ‘free from’ deodorant 

Make up: I have transitioned to all clean beauty products. I love Ilia mascara and liquid black liner, RMS undercover eye concealer, Kosas tinted oil, Kjaer Weis cream blush, Milk matte bronzer in Baked 

Hair Product: Drunk Elephant, Ceremonia, Herbivore Sea Mist 

It is such a crazy time and so many parents are struggling now. Is there anything from this time that has surprised you or that you have benefited from? Any words of wisdom to share with our communities?

In these unprecedented times of being thrust into worry, rapid change, heartache and challenge, I try my best to balance that with gratitude and grace.

It’s remarkably easy to spiral into the world of social media, news, with access at the end of our fingertips that fuels our anxiety. While it’s important to stay informed and educated, it’s also necessary to protect ourselves and lean into examples of joy, delight, and hope too.

I recognize I am only speaking to my own experience during these times, and haven’t come in direct connection to Covid. However, it is threaded in every decision I make for myself and my family, having a son who is exceptionally vulnerable and medically fragile. I’m not sure it’s really advice, rather than something to look for in your days, especially on the pricklier and potentially darker ones.

Delight in the smallest moments of light, even if it’s as simple as that first sip of hot coffee, a fleck of unexpected sunlight, snail mail, a long morning stretch. Allow for self mercy, in letting go and marveling in tiny delights.

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