Trust Yourself —My Breastfeeding Journey.

Photo by Jennifer McKenna Photography

Caroline Rossiter

I was never breastfed as a baby.

My mom always told me that moments after my birth, I was immediately taken to the nursery because I had jaundice. She was never educated about how critical those first few moments and days after birth are in the breastfeeding journey. By the time she began trying, about a week in, her milk supply had dropped dramatically and she couldn’t get it back up. I was formula-fed from day one. 

After learning about the benefits of breastmilk in the months leading up to my son Harry’s birth, I decided that I wanted to try it - while doing my best to be patient and not fixate on the outcome. My breastfeeding journey began minutes after Harry’s birth. We used a nipple shield the first few times, and then he got it. I was so relieved and excited - it was really a magical moment for me.

The first six weeks were a learning process.

I walked around shirtless, fed him for what felt like the entire day, and slathered balm over cracked nipples. Eventually, we got into a groove. We saw a lactation consultant in the hospital, and then about a week into Harry’s life in the pediatrician’s office. It was still a little uncomfortable and awkward, but things seemed to be going well and he was gaining weight, so we continued.

Six weeks into Harry’s life, I got a clogged duct in my right breast. It felt like a pea-sized mass. I had heard about clogged ducts from friends and tried my best to massage my breasts in the shower.

Within 24 hours, the area was bright red and painful, and by the end of that day I had a 102° fever, malaise, and couldn’t get out of bed. It was nearly impossible for me to care for Harry. 

As a brand-new mom, still learning each day, with a husband at work almost two hours away, and family in Boston, I felt helpless, alone, and confused.

I reached out to my OB/GYN’s emergency line in the middle of the night. They were confident, diagnosing me with mastitis, a breast infection usually caused by a blocked milk duct and/or bacteria entering the breast. They told me, “if your breast doesn’t completely empty at feedings, one of your milk ducts can become clogged, leading to a backup in milk and subsequently an infection.” The bacteria is staph - it’s pretty serious and requires immediate medical attention and a 10-day course of antibiotics.

Looking back, these moments are a blur to me. I had several doctors office visits, an ER trip, and many frantic phone calls and emails to my lactation consultant and doulas.

After spending so much time learning about the importance of good bacteria and the benefits of a vaginal birth in colonizing my baby’s microbiome, I felt terrified of taking antibiotics, passing them through my breastmilk, and exposing Harry. I tried herbs and acupuncture, but the infection only got worse and I had no choice but to take the antibiotics. Within 24 hours, I started to feel human again.

In these moments, I remember feeling defeated, but I continued to press forward.

I felt like something wasn’t right with the way I was breastfeeding- his latch, something I couldn’t put my finger on. So I reached out to a couple of lactation consultants to see if they could make a house call. Luckily, a great SF based postpartum doula and lactation consultant had time in her schedule.

Around the same time, I was beginning to pump, and we started to introduce the bottle, which Harry was having trouble taking. I had wanted to wait to introduce the bottle until 6 weeks or so, when breastfeeding was well-established. (Now, I know that I would introduce sooner, but that’s another story for another day).

By the time my lactation consultant got in to see me, we were around 8 weeks. She came to help with the bottle, but I had lots of questions about mastitis because I didn’t want it to happen again. After looking at his latch, and the inside of his mouth, she diagnosed him with tongue tie. This is fairly common in babies, and can be corrected with a visit to an ENT doctor (and a quick snip), plus tongue exercises for baby in the weeks following the procedure. I was super frustrated that this was not diagnosed earlier, but more focused on moving forward.

Just a week after I finished my course of antibiotics, I started to feel really sick again. The infection had not completely gone away from the 10-day course of antibiotics. Now, it was in both breasts, which I’ve been told is fairly uncommon. This time, I was heartbroken. I again tried many integrative medicine techniques, but ultimately resorted to another 10-day course.

After seriously considering ending my breastfeeding journey during these challenging first few months, I decided to continue, understanding that I could stop whenever it wasn’t working anymore.

I made a huge effort to get educated about blocked ducts/mastitis and was supported by a lactation consultant. For the next month or two, I was also really thorough during every feeding to minimize the chance of developing any further blocked ducts.

I breastfed Harry until he was 16 months without any other serious issues - but I wouldn’t have been able to do that without enlisting the help of experts. Now that Harry is almost two, I look back on this experience so fondly - it was an incredible bond that only he and I had together. I have cherished this journey, and I feel so lucky that I was able to get the support I needed in these early months to facilitate my decision.

—A few words on breastfeeding—

There’s so much judgement that comes along with feeding…

This was a really hard one for me. There were so many opinions, especially in these early months when I was really sick, that I should stop and introduce formula. As Harry neared a year, there were comments about having a toddler who can ask for it, and if I would be comfortable with that. I really internalized all of these comments, when I should have been focusing on a healthy feeding relationship with my baby. Whether you can/decide to breastfeed/formula feed/do a mix of both - it’s most important that your baby eats. This is your decision. Try not to internalize all the noise.

Breastfeeding does get better and easier. In the meantime, share your struggle

The first few weeks (and even months) can be insanely challenging. I thought that it would come so easily - it’s a natural process, right?! But when you start talking about it people come out of the woodwork with their own similar experiences.

The moment you feel like something isn’t right, it probably isn’t.

There are so many people out there to help you, please don’t wait until it’s too late to reach out. I know it’s easier said than done.  If you can afford it, booking a lactation consultant to come to your home within the first week or so after birth can be extraordinarily helpful. If it’s out  of reach (most are around $300 or so), it’s a great thing to put on your registry as a group gift. Technically, lactation consultants are covered by the ACA - check out this free toolkit to maximize coverage of lactation care. Kellymom is also a fantastic resource for everything breastfeeding related. I spent so many hours on this website in the middle of the night in the early days.

Most of all, try to be gentle with yourself throughout this experience. You’ve got this. It’s your body, and your decision.

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